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Patrick would normally be my outlet to things such as my hopes and dreams, insecurities and faults. But, right now... of this second... I want to write stuff out and get it on paper. I'm just in this sort of funk where I just want school to be over, my life in California to be over, and start my new life in Ohio. I want to skip over these last few steps I have and get to the next part of my life. How will it be? Will it be the same? How will things change? What will I be doing? I know when it will happen and where, I even know who--Patrick and myself of course. I will start a new life as Mrs. Christine Villanueva Curtis on July 1st, 2011. I'm glad it's here, IT'S FINALLY HERE. Yet, I'm scared, indifferent, hesitant, anxious, excited, nervous, worried, as to what will be coming. BUT. I'm also making it worse for myself because all I want to do it lock myself up in my room and pass time watching TV. Watching TV normally always gets me out of my funk and takes me into a new world that I don't control, but witness. It stimulates my senses, it helps me escape what I call my life right now. I used to read... which I should totally do again. I'm just becoming this sloth that stays cooped up at home--which isn't a bad thing--but I can't let it effect the things that are happening right now. I just can't disregard the things important now, to think of those things important in the future--because it'll destroy what I ultimately want for myself. Dear God, I pray You will help me snap out of this, to get back on track and do what I need to do to be successful. Also, give me the want to exercise more and stay in shape. I hope that the Yosemite trip we're planning won't be too bad. I know Patrick keeps saying that it will be hard, which I know... but it's hard to picture, since I've never experienced it for myself. I know that this happens in a lot of things... we have to experience certain things it order to know it for ourselves. Why am I addicted to the computer? Why can't I just do what I need to? Lord, help me. Give me the strength, Your spiritual strength, to guide me to what I need and what I have to do. I think I'm in love with all things celtic. I love their music--so relaxing... so fulfilling and uplifting. Scotland seems to be a wonderfully beautiful place as well. One day I will go and witness this gorgeousness. Oh to be blessed with the incentive and drive to do all things perfect. I hate those who strive to perfection, because they just try so hard... much harder than I could ever do... they reach a level which is spectacular, yet they don't recognize their state of flawless work. I see it. But they don't. They just have it in their heads that it can always get better, it can be perfect it every way, they've just got to make it like that. I personally know for myself that the only thing in this life that can ever be perfect is the Lord Jesus Christ. He was perfect in every way--He wasn't made--He was always like that. Even before time began God was perfect. Wow. I hear that if one strives to be more like Him, they can be more perfect... which is true... but is not what I hate. I hate the type of physical perfection of this world that they're trying to achieve; not spiritual perfection. Lord, I want to strive to be more like you spiritually. Bring out the special things you have blessed within me Lord. I want to see them again, I want to be made known of them again Lord. I need reassurance that I won't stay like how I've been acting. Lord I need you. Oh this Celtic music I'm listening too is really nice. I want to get into music again, poetry making, reading, writing stories. I love the art I'm in, but they ways to express what one is trying to express seems to hard. The words I have locked within me come out so much better with writing and poetry. The emotion, whether it be negative or positive, comes out so well in music. I want to play the piano again, I want to place my guitar. Lord I love Patrick so much and want to see him again. I want to be around him... somehow I feel as if he comforts me just by being right there beside me. Of course You are there the same way... but it's like online classes, I've got to put the effort to access our time... Yes I see the analogy Lord, I see what you're trying to tell me. I will dedicate more of my time to you and initiate it, without the tug or pull of an emotional moment in my life, but because of the dedication I need to give to our relationship. Wow this next celtic song is so beautiful as well. Wow. I can just fall asleep to this, it's so gorgeous. I wish I didn't have to take so many classes this last semester... why didn't I work out my classes right? Sigh. Goodness. Hrumph. Lol. It's getting upbeat right now... I think I'd rather go to something a bit more relaxing. Lord, help me to graduate this semester. Lord I need to do this. I am looking forward to taking my life to the next step, and I need to graduate in order to get there. Wow, I like this song too. So pretty. I hope it continues to be simple and soft. Cool, kinda upbeat, but not too much that my heart will start beating out of my chest. Oh I like it. It reminds my of Zelda music. I wish that I can find that one thing I absolutely positively love and work on it and be able to make it the main focus of the next part of my life. Yet, I know it'll probably come in a later step. Lol, the music once again is getting upbeat. You know the kind of upbeatness where you want to stomp your feet. Ok. Let me look for something else. Just clicked on thunder on youtube. I wonder what it is... ew. Don't really like this. Ah. I think they're a band. Hopefully this is good. Well it's getting cold in my room and I have to pee. But what I'd like to do... let me make a list of the things I'd like to stick to this last semester of my undergraduate degree. Hm. Well, will be changing the music again. Let me look for the lady that did bonny portmore. Ok. Gotta do the next assignment for anth class. Ooo. Like this song. Study for next test in that same class. Get ready for the next discussion board assignment for other online class. WOW. Yay. ILOVETHISSONNNGGG. Oomigoshohmigosh I didn't know she did this song!!!!! It's the main song for Ever After. I absolutely love that movie. Gorgeous! Spectacular. Beautiful. Elegant. Sigh. Okay next things I have to do. Don't worry about watercolor. I'm okay with that. But I have to work on drawing class project and sketchbook and next project. I have to lastly take pictures for my photo class. Experiment with it. Work with what I can for that class. Okay. So what I really need to concentrate on are those online classes. I will totally study and get on those classes soon. Okay. Going to pee, then arrange room a little bit, take out my contacts, set my alarm for 7:20, make sure I'm waking up at the right time for church, write down the things I need to pick up at CVS. Goodnight. A thousand times goodnight. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Love is all you need. and all that jazz.
11 September 2008 @ 12:33 pm
Yeah. Just kinda out of it, not really excited. Not really anything really. Kinda worried about what'll come next.
19 February 2008 @ 07:08 pm
Things are at a standstill.

I go to Cal State Fullerton.
I go to church.
I eat.
I sleep.

My mom is a lot better than she used to be.

Soon, my life will take some turns. Will they be good? Hard? I don't know.

No one can ever really be ready for something.

I don't know, that's just what I believe.

Yep. So I'm going to look through my old livejournals.

11 September 2007 @ 11:25 pm
Why can't I ever get along with her?

She makes me feel so insecure, such a low being, worthless unless I become perfect. The truth is, none of us are perfect. We all screw up. You can't deny that.

I guess another reason why I dislike her is because she used to physically hurt me when I was younger. She used to hit me and that made me feel so insignificant and so alone.

Now since I'm older, it doesn't hurt when she hits me anymore. Now she just uses words, guilt, yelling, screaming, threats... and they hurt just as bad.I just wish her words didn't affect me as much. Then I wouldn't feel as bad as I do now.

I want to be independent. But I've heard that independence is what you can make for yourself. It's to have a mindset focused on what you believe is to be right.

So what do I want to do? What am I? How can I express myself without the oppression of my mom?

I'll sleep on it. And then we'll see.
14 June 2007 @ 09:17 am
It seems as if life will never be the same very soon. What do you mean by that Christine? I mean that you're growing older. Your'e experiencing new things... but will you still be okay. Will you survive the ultimate change?

Maybe Patrick's right. Maybe the transition that I'm having now will ultimately be a slow process that won't change after one day.

I guess I just have to accept it. I'm growing older and that means that I'm more independent. I have more responsibility. Which is... good?

Just hang in there Christine. You can do it.
24 May 2007 @ 02:24 pm

Who else is love?
pseudomonas me scripsit anno 2005
12 May 2007 @ 12:40 am
Waves crashing on the shore
Breathless sunset I can see
Ultimate relaxation to be seized

Just let it go, out to the flame
Shame falling from me
To the depths of the great oceans
No more pain

I want to create pictures from music
I want to express emotions in poetry
I want to know the truth
I want the world to see the reality

Trust me, he said
Walk along and know
That all is fine
I will be with you, wherever you go

I want to create pictures from music
I want to express emotions in poetry
I want to know the truth
I want the world to see the reality

I am fulfilled
Filled to the brim
Take away this sin.
Day to day, I can see
More and more, the better parts of me

Enveloping my senses
The world around me
I see it all
I see the beauty
And I weep.
29 April 2007 @ 02:36 pm
Yes I am. Just doing some homework, Spanish homework to be more precise.
Old Rose.

Old rose, why can't you see this life has gotten the better part of me.
Old rose you're wise beyond your years, but these tears flow freely.
I'm lost in a rose garden, a labyrinth built by men with no way out.
Except examining the depths of my barren mind.
Old rose you have lead me out of this desolate drought.
But why must I always fret about the future's shouts?


Repair my breaking heart
With old wounds that never heal.
My soul's burnt out
With gasoline.
But sadness never seemed
So blissful.
Emotion is everything.: None other than U2.
15 March 2007 @ 02:55 pm
I see it in your eyes,
The desire for happiness,
The love of life.
You tell me every day
That you love living,
and I believe you.
You're wonder about life's
Shows me the greatness of
This existence.
As your deep blue eyes
widen with wonder
I feel happy inside

to be continued...
Emotion is everything.: coldplay
05 March 2007 @ 04:53 pm
I wonder what my life will bring me in the future. I really do wonder what it will bring. I am so unknowing of the future and I know that it's not going to be all peaches and cream. It's going to stink for a huge part of it.

Can't I just accept what will happen, even though I don't know the exact outcome of it all?

It troubles me when I think of a life filled will harshness and sadness. Of course I have to believe that good will come of it.

Am I right?

I think that the bad stuff in life that I'm experiencing and will experience will help me accept the good things and life and appreciate it more. I just have to believe that every little thing will be alright, no matter what happens.

No matter what happens, God will be with me.

I just have to understand his teachings and I have to develop a better relationship with Him. I'm thinking that's the only way I can be a better person. Because definately, I cannot do it alone. I cannot achieve greatness on my own. I need His guidance.

I guess I just have to make the effort to make my relationship with God better than it is.
03 March 2007 @ 05:35 pm
It's a pretty nice place. I like hanging out at coffee shops. Especially the ones with free wi-fi.

What will happen in this future week? I didn't have to serve the detention that I had yesterday, because the guy who was in charge let me go. He was really nice for doing that. But truthfully I think it was because he didn't want to stay there for two hours on a Friday with a kid who has never gotten a detention before in her 4 years of high school and only was there because of cell phone warnings. So that was pretty cool.

I was supposed to babysit my neighbor's kids today, but the mother got sick with the stomach flu.

So now my weekend is open to do whatever. But of course I have alot of hw. But I can do all of it on Sunday.

Still I haven't answered my own question. What will happen this week?

I do not know.

But I'm guessing it's alright though.

I'm hoping I can... I'm not sure. There's nothing really big I'm looking forward to, is there?
Not really.



Maybe I can think about the awesome dreams I've had. Not dreams when I'm sleeping, but alternate lives I could have, if anything was possible.

Like, being in a band. Yeah, that would be so awesome. What if I was the lead singer, and we sang U2 cover songs? That would be pretty awesome.

Or what if...

Hm... I've got the think about that.
11 February 2007 @ 12:08 pm
It's my fault. I'm such a downer on things. I know that everything is going great, then I flush it down the toilet with my stupidness. It's wrong of me to put myself down, but it is surely needed. I am sad. You don't have to know the exact details of it, because the details are as stupid as I am.

I was talking, I was talking to myself
Somebody else talk, talk, talking.
I couldn't hear a word, a word he said.

He was my brother
I said there was no other way out of here
Be my brother
Got to get out, got to get out.

I was walking, I was walking into walls
And back again
I just keep walking
I walk up to a window to see myself
And my reflection, when I thought about it
My direction, going nowhere, going nowhere.

No-one, no-one is blinder
Than he who will not see.
No-one, no-one is blinder
Than me.

I was talking, I was talking in my sleep
I can't stop talk, talk, talking
I'm talking to you, it's up to you
Be my brother, there is no other way out of here
Be my brother
Got to get out, got to get out
Got to get out of here.

I Threw a Brick Through a Window by U2.

I am blind and stupid. I do feel guilt, but it's not the mind wracking, indescribable guilt that makes you want to hurl yourself off a cliff. No not that type of guilt. It's rather, the guilt that you want to shut the heck up, because it's bugging you all the time. Like the little conscience inside that bugs you when you know you're doing something wrong but you're fooling yourself to believe that you haven't done anything wrong at all.

It's like what my pastor had said. You have to have the truth rather than lies, even if it hurts. Yeah. I want the the truth... kinda, but lies are good once in a while aren't they?

Yeah. I like to indulge in lies. I'm such a Christian person aren't I? Wracked with guilt and insecurity and doubt and feelings of insignificance, I am one who "follows God." It makes you think, why do I even try?

Hah. That is such a good question.

I just have to fucking try.

I never wanted to try.

It's like with jogging and stuff, exercising and trying to be more fit. I always think to myself, why do I even try? It's going to be hard, and I'm never going to make it anyway. It's going to hurt like heck, so why am I even putting myself though all of this?

But then I do have to try, don't I? I won't ever know if I was able to succeed if I didn't try.

So then with this thing that I'm very stupid with... why don't I try to make things right, why don't I want to know the truth?

Maybe it's because I know the truth already and I just don't want to face it at all. It's because of my mom.

If I had one person to blame, it would be my mom. I know... jeeze why do I even bother to blame anyone, because it's all me, it's all my wrongdoings. But then, the question comes up, would I even try to do wrong things when someone told me to do them?

My mom says there are so many things I cannot do, because they are against God's word. Or against God's teachings. Yes, I do know that but then rebellion comes in.

Yeah. I freaking hate rebellion. It's like that part in my life when I was talking to my Aunt Linda about my mom's ruling and controlling nature that pisses me off and makes me want to do bad things when I know it will destroy me in the long run. I know there are so many things that I shouldn't do, but look so good because my parents said they were wrong.


I don't know.

I'm confused.

And I've made Patrick sad because of this guilt that I have. Did it look like he was about the cry? I'm not really sure.

I don't want him to feel sad, I don't want him to think at all that any of this is his fault, because none of it is.

A lot of the feelings that I have are because I know I'm going to miss the closeness that I had with him.
30 January 2007 @ 10:08 pm
I Love You.

What can I say about you? How you make me feel? Yes I could. How about, the things I love about you? Alright then. I should get a start on it. It'll take me some time.

Well then. Roses are red... violets are blue... sugar is sweet and you're loveable too! :D Lol. Yeah. That wasn't as cool as I thought it would be, but I like it. <3


You make my heart beat quick when you walk past me
I miss you when you're not here right beside me

You make me want to be better than who I am
My heart, you've already won, the journey just began
"I Love You," we said, and we mean it til the end

Lives have changed
Existence made so much richer
Kissing each others forehead
Everything else is a blur

I'll stay right here
This wonderful place in your heart
Because you've been in mine from the start
And I have nothing else I could fear

Through our angry tears and
Inescapable fears
Our bond will conquer
Everything thoughout the years

Rejoice in the blissful times
Feel remorse in the sad times
But we'll always be there
In each others care

Til the end of time.
04 January 2007 @ 08:39 pm
Well what can I say today?

It's almost freaking Friday.

I'm pretty excited.
30 December 2006 @ 01:21 pm
What shall I tell you?

School will be starting in a bit, so that's.... cool? No. Not really. It sucks. I'm going to have schoolwork and homework and tests! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Yeah. Well I knew that would come sooner or later.

Have you seen Eragon? It's a pretty good movie. I liked it. The characters are well developed.

Mm. I love chocolate. I wonder if I can find some more to eat.

I think I'm going to attempt to draw a dragon again. It came out pretty well last time.

I like the music that my dad has on. It has high energy and is interesting to listen to.

This is a very boring journal.

I wonder how life is going to change for me. I wonder what are all the new things I'm going to experience when I get older. It's going to be very different. But will I be ready? Not sure. Not sure at all.

What will happen when Patrick moves here? Will everything switch back to how is was when he was here for those two weeks? They might. Who knows. But then ir might seem as if it's normal for us to see each other on a daily basis.

I wonder if I'd be a good lead singer in a band. I think I could be.

School will be starting up again and the monotony of it all will persist until... well. I'm not sure when it will end. I really don't like monotony. Ryan and I always had a joke of doing nothing together, which then makes everything we don't do, fun. It's true in a way. It matters who you spend doing things with, not what you actually do. Although it would be fun to do something interesting things once in a while.

It seems that my dad will be watching Star Trek: First Contact at his friends house tomorrow for New Years Eve. I think it'll be cool. But hopefully my dad doesn't act alittle overboard when he's there watching it. For instance, when Picard totally wipes out the borg in the Holedeck, hopefully my dad doesn't jump out of the couch and yells "YESS!!"

Ok. My mom is yelling at me. I have to leave now.

Alrighty. I'm back.

This gum is running out of flavor, I should get a new stick soon. Why do I love mint gum so much? Especially this flavor of Dentyne(sp)? I don't know actually. I do love mint. It just makes me happy for some reason. The flavor is invigorating.

This bra is very interesting. It lifts my boobs up nicely and isn't that constricting. But I could of got a wireless padless pushup, I wonder how that would of felt like. I heard that it's very comfortable.

Pap smears are really wierd. They don't neccessarily hurt, but there is a weird feeling that comes from it. Hopefully I'm healthy down there.

I wish Patrick would come soon. He doesn't have to. But I'd like it if he did.

Yes. I love this song: Solsbury Hill. It makes me happy. Solsbury Hill was played in the movie: In Good Company. I watched it twice and thought it was really good. It had its slow moments, but overall I liked the story.

Another Peter Gabriel song is on, Red Rain. Wonderful song. Beautiful. Images flow past my imagination as I listen to this amazing song.

I really hope and pray that my relationship with Patrick will last. What we have seems like it is strong and nothing can keep it from taking steps back, rather taking steps forward. What I mean is... everything is going well. Everything is progressing. Patrick and I are getting to know each other more, my parents are getting used to me having a boyfriend, the bond between Patrick seems to be getting stronger. Roadblocks did seem as they would hinder the progression of our relationship like both of our parents dislike with our relationship altogether. Hopefully in the future, our parents won't keep us from continued progression in our relationship. But if it does happen, I guess it won't be so bad.

Like, is my mom right? Is it too early for me to visit Patricks parents around the summertime or even spring break?

Am I too young, like my mom says, to go hunting?

Am I too young to make my own decisions, like my mom says?

Does almighty divine wisdom come from my mothers lips?

I don't know.

But I really do not want school to come, even though I know it's coming verrrryyyyyyyy soon. Oh goodness. I have finals coming up too. Goodness. Ah, no matter. I never study for those anyway. It doesn't seem to help if I do study.

I'll end this.
16 December 2006 @ 06:35 pm
I love that song.

It's so awesome. Listen to it. Feel it.

Can you believe it's almost Christmas? I can't. But I'm glad I have 2 weeks off of school so I can take a rest from school.

I wonder. I should make some buddy icons. That surely will be fun

Ah. Patrick is calling me on skype.
10 December 2006 @ 10:36 pm
Almost done with my homework.

All I have to do is read my book for English and summarize it. Well, seven chapters. That's kind of a lot. But I'm thinking I can do it. Yeah. There's nothing I cannot do for nothing is impossible. I like that line. Did I just make that up? Maybe.

I'm listening to I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. It's such a beautiful song. I heart it.

You know who else I heart? Patrick. Yes I do.

Can't wait 'til he comes back.
10 December 2006 @ 10:48 am
It's 9:41, I have to get ready for church really fast. I'll be taking the car so I'm going to go to Walmart afterwards. Then I'll go to Joleen's house so we can finish the project. After we get most of it done, I will get home, then work on my homework for tomorrow. I think my mom will be off Monday through Wednesday. That'll be nice. So we can go places together and shop. I wonder if my mom would be nice and pick me up from school. Or she'd just make me walk.

Only one more week! Then I will be on VACATION for TWO weeks! That will be awesome. I don't know what I'll do then, but it'll be awesome.

Whoa. It would be so awesome if my dad let me use the car so I could drive to Laguna Beach.

Alrighty. I'm going to get ready for church. Well, I'm going to use the restroom first.
09 December 2006 @ 12:09 am
Yes, I am. But I have gum in my mouth, it still has flavor and I want to chew it more. I wonder if tomorrow will be interesting. One more week until Christmas Vacation!!!!!!! Yes! Then I could do nothing! Well maybe I'll do a deep cleaning of my room and bathroom.

Well I guess that's about it.

I'll post a song.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side.
I wait for you.
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you.

Through the storm, we reach the shore
You gave it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you.
I can't live with or without you.

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away.

My hands are tied, my body bruised
She got me with nothing to win
And nothing else to lose.

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away.

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you.

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you.

picture photoshopped

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
08 December 2006 @ 06:45 pm
Take my hand
You know I'll be there
If you can
I'll cross the sky for your love.
For I have promised
For to be with you tonight
And for the time that will come.

Take my hand
You know I'll be there
If you can
I'll cross the sky for your love.
And I understand
These winds and tides
This change of times
Won't drag you away.

Hold on, and hold on tightly.
Hold on, and don't let go of my love.
The storms will pass, it won't be long now.
This love will last, this love will last forever.

And take my hand, you know I'll be there.
If you can I'll cross the sky for your love.
Give you what I hold dear.

Hold on, hold on tightly.
Hold on, and hold on tightly.
Rise up, rise up with wings like eagles.
You run, you run.
You run and not grow weary.

Hold on, and hold on tightly.
Hold on, hold on tightly
This love, lasts forever.
Now this love lasts forever.
08 December 2006 @ 12:14 am
Alright. My mother came into my room just now talking about things that people at my church were saying about Patrick and I. They were talking about the age difference and about how we are at different points in our life. Also I think it was one of my mom's friends husband that asked my mom, "What are Patrick's intentions with your daughter?" Also he was saying that it's 'sketchy', our relationship because we met over the internet, Myspace, of all sites.

I really don't like it when people talk about these things. It's just like when people ask me questions like, "Is God Real? And if He is, can you prove it for me?" I really dislike those questions. It's because I don't have all the answers. But I do have faith. I try to look at the positivity and the good outcomes of it all.

But dammit, don't you hate it when they're right? There are so many possibilities to certain situations, questions spring up here and there, and we have to make sense of a jumble of things.

There are so many what ifs, so many doubts too. But doesn't that give flare to life? Yes it does. How about homebodies who don't like change. Do they not take chances?

In English class today a teacher came to talk about her backpacking adventures. Her stories were very interesting and enticing to one of a boring lifestyle. And yes, it does appeal to me. I may not be as extreme as this teacher who was talking about her numerous trips around and world and several instances of her meetings with death, but I do want to take some chances and test my limits. Although my limits may be very low now, maybe they can increase with time and effort.

"Life gets so easy that you get numb to it," the teacher told all of us in my Advanced Composition class. It's true the comforts of home are such a common thing where we live, that many wouldn't want to give it up. But I guess they'd be missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime for travel, meeting new people, experiencing different cultures, and living outside of your comfort zone. However this escape from the drabness of life is just around the corner. One must take a different perspective on life, finding the beauty in everyday, the joy in the little thing because nothing's bigger.

But I would like to try some of the things she has, maybe not to her extent. For example, she was on a 19 day hiking trip through Yosemite Park up to Mt. Mckinley. Twice, she almost died. She was alone during the hike. I totally look up to this woman for her courage and outright passion and desire to accomplish all that she has done. She even took her two kids out of school for a semester and took them backpacking across Europe. I know, how awesome.

A friend of mine today, her name is Linda, told me about her trip through Yosemite. She talked about how amazing the nature is there. How beautiful it is even to one who doesn't really like nature that much. I do love nature. I appreciate it, and I love spending time in it and connecting to it through deep thought. However the extent to my camping trips is going up North to little camping trips with my school in junior high. I don't know if I'd be able to survive. My skills may be primitive because of all the luxuries I have here at home. Although I'd like to see how I'd do in a situation testing my limits and surviving off the land. It really seems extremely hard. I guess I'd have to have someone there to help me with it. I definitely wouldn't be able to do it alone. The teacher did it alone. She felt that company would hold her back. But I think I'd make me stronger and would give me hope. Support is always need, no matter what situation one is in.

Alright, back to Patrick. It scares me in so different ways, but then I think about so many other relationships and how they turn out and how they came to be. They're not so different from my story of meeting Patrick and how our relationship came to be. It may seem like we're moving too fast... I don't know what type of pace we're at. I do know that we are getting to know each other still. We haven't seen the other person mad, we haven't seen our reactions in several emotional situations. There is one certainty. Our feelings. Oh! But aren't feelings so bad because so many horrible things could erupt from it? Yeah. But I'm guessing we are happy now, and we have acted as how we really are around each other, hopefully the happiness will not die down.

There are so many uncertainties to many things in life. We all have to get ready for action. We have to get ready for what life throws at us because everything happens for a reason. Really.

There is a reason why I met Patrick. To be sure of what that actual reason is, is something very hard to find out.

One must not think of the past and dwell on the future. But then what of the future? We really don't know what will happen next, so what's the point in thinking about it anyway?

I guess it gives up hope.
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: blankblank
06 December 2006 @ 11:35 pm
Poems recently written:

I can't believe my life
Hangs from the bottom
Of the moon

The gun's still warm
From the heated moment
Emotions flooded in a monsoon

A pocket watch ticks and ticks
Marking my looming doom

I can't help this guilt
My body can't feel it
My mind is numb

But somewhere in the depths
Of my subconsciousness
I know this is all wrong


Surrender to the existence
Give up your consciousness
Embrace calamity and confess
Are we all victims of insecurity?
Are we all murderers and thieves?
You can make it
Even when all hope is lost
Just clear your mind
And you will be fine
04 December 2006 @ 08:52 pm
he's gone you know.

for about a month, he'll not be here anymore. isn't that aweful?

hopefully he'll come back. i really really wish he will come back soon.

if he doesn't, yes, i'll be heart broken. if he does... then i'll be happy.

i have a physics test tomorrow. ugh. that's alright though. hopefully i'll do alright on it. i don't get how to do any of the equations, but ah, i don't know. maybe i'll do alright.
27 November 2006 @ 12:04 am
Love is blindness, I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night around me?
Oh, my heart, love is blindness.

In a parked car, in a crowded street
You see your love made complete.
Thread is ripping, the knot is slipping
Love is blindness.

Love is clockworks and cold steel
Fingers too numb to feel.
Squeeze the handle, blow out the candle
Love is blindness.

Love is blindness, I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night around me?
Oh, my love,

A little death without mourning
No call and no warning
Baby, a dangerous idea
That almost makes sense.

Love is drowning in a deep well
All the secrets, and no one to tell.
Take the money, honey...

Love is blindness, I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night around me?
Oh, my love,

By: U2

Title: Love is Blindness.


At this age, why must I find love already?

Don't get me wrong. It's awesome. It's wonderful. It's beautiful. It's amazing.


There's always a but.

Dictionary.com states:
—Synonyms 1. tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. 1, 2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.
—Antonyms 1, 2. hatred, dislike. 15, 16. detest, hate.

Look at the antonyms. Hatred. Dislike. Detest.

The outcomes of a doomed relationship.

Relationships that are in the craphole can hurt the persons in the relationship, of course. Who wouldn't be hurt? And the notion that no one can get hurt in a relationship...that two people are "meant" for each other... is naiive.

Am I being pessimistic for saying that? Yes.

But I'm right aren't I?

I wish I'd never have to deal with the negatives and embrace the positives with great joy.


And yes, another but. But this is a good but.

One memorable quote from a memorable movie states, "There are no guarantees, but remember: Even in the future, the sweet is never as sweet without the sour.

The Sour. Who knew?

18 November 2006 @ 05:57 pm
Angels and Airwaves sounds song, Star of Behlehem is alot like U2's song Where the Streets Have no Name in many ways. Not exactly, but the way they go about their music is similar. Just listen to their new song Star Of Bethlehem, there's a four minute intro and the song is about 7 minutes long. Listen to the guitar and the echo effect that's used. Listen to the lyrics and how they don't make sense but evoke such emotion to the soul. Also the song is about love. So many songs U2 have made is about love. I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy.

What am I going to do today?

Hang out with my parents. Yeah.

I have hw to do too. Then rent a movie, I'm guessing.
16 November 2006 @ 11:45 pm
I don't know what to write for it. I do want to have something cool and memorable... but I don't really. It's a 50/50 thing. In truth I'd like to write something that really speaks to me, that really has meaning in my life right now. I like the headline that I have on my myspace. I kinda made it up.

The first sentence, I got it off a t-shirt. Well a picture of Adam Clayton wearing a t-shirt that said it.

Every little thing's gonna be alright. Really, it is. When all hope is lost, there is something more to hope for. Remember that.

Oh, but that's over 15 words. Maybe I could shorten it. Just maybe.

Aww Irma thinks that I'm changing. Why? I'm not. She also says that I'm getting separated from her too. I'm not. But am I? I don't want to. They are good friends. But I'm learning that:

A friend will
strengthen you with her prayers
Bess you with her love, and
encourage you with her heart.

But does Irma do that? Yeah I guess.

Hopefully she doesn't read this.
06 October 2006 @ 06:45 pm
When I was at the hospital for my radioactive iodine cancer treatment, I had much time on my hands. Well, I guess I felt that I had to get my thoughts out somehow. So from what you're going to read in a bit, just know it's disorganized. Alittle jumbled maybe.

Hokay. Here's a brief introduction.
Wednesday morning, my mom woke me up at around 6 am. I got ready to go to the hospital, brought a U2 CD, thus the one hour drive began. I'm thinking we left at about 6:50, because we got there around 8:30. There was some traffic. And with that extra time spent in the car with my mom meant more lectures about Patrick. Well, not lectures... more of mother daughter talks. But they seem like lectures because my mom likes to accentuate a point over and over again, that would then grow tiring after a while. She kept on asking me when he will get here, how he'll survive out here, what he and i like to talk about, and so on. I usually don't like dwelling on subjects for that long as my mom does. Patrick tells me that he wants to come over here, but he has to get some stuff done first, he has to plan on how what job he'll get, some other stuff too. And yeah. Of course. He should do whatever he feels he should do. If he wants to move up with his parents, he can. If he wants to live in Louisiana, yeah of course. If that was what he wanted. Whatever his choice is, and when it will come, I will and am supporting him. Whenever he thinks he's ready, whenever he thinks is the right time, I think he should go for it. It's all depending on him and what he thinks. He has a mind of his own, and I can't change his opinions, his wants or his needs. When that day comes when he'll arrive here (if ever), then I'll be there for him. I know, I'm human, infallible in every way, and of course cannot wholeheartedly promise that I'll do what ever is needed. But I will try. I'll try my best, and hardest to do what ever.

Ah well yes. On to what happened. Goodness, don't you hate tangents like that?

We got there, at CHOC hospital, and I was admitted. But the room wasn't ready yet. So my mom and I were at the lobby watching some Nickalodean jr. Patrick called, we talked until the room was ready. My mom and I got there, and we waited for about an hour to actually get the pill. Two nuclear radiologist men came in, one was crosseyed it seemed like he wasn't looking at me in the eyes when he was talking. The other was an Azn guy who reminded me of a sort of surfer/scientist/druggie/insanely smart guy. The two radioactive pills I took were small as tic-tacs. I swallowed them with water, and my mom had to leave. I was there alone. With the occasional nurse popping in. And this is what I was feeling, in jumbled Christineish words.

Well there was a time when everything struck me, the downness of it all. Here it is.

Wednesday October 4th:
About 4:00 pm. (real time, unknown) i'm here on the hospital bed, alone. lying on my stomach, with my mathbook and notebook to the right of me, and the hospital's laptop to the left of me. i have my ipod on, the earbuds have softly made a home in my ears.

a beautiful song turns on. my heart will go on from titanic.

outside of this hospital room, i hear childrens crys, i feel alittle more alone than i should because patrick had to leave for a bit. the song ends. i press repeat.

my eyes and heart grow solemn once again. music can do wonders to the soul. make one dance for joy, another weep in sadness. whatever it is that is bothering me, i wish would go away.

normality. that's all i plead for.

i think about math hw again. i'm doing poorly in that class. i think about school in general, what has it done for me? i ask. no response. no one knows.

why can't i feel better? i know that my life's troubles can't compare to anyone elses bc we all have problems. we all make mistakes. we all are human, well most of us at least.

emotion. it deals with relationships, it deals with the solitary human being, it deals with this world as a whole. it keeps us sane. it keeps us insane. thus, a balance occurs.

i don't feel up to being determined. i should. what is wrong with me? can't this feeling pass? i replay the song again. i sigh.

the sky seems so serene today. how beautiful. that's how nature was intended to be created and that's how it will stay.

i find MLK on my ipod. oh how nice, i love this song. dreams, that's what it speaks of. why can't all of us make all our dreams a reality? i don't know. all i know is that i should finish my hw so i wouldn't have to deal with it later. i know that soon, i'll be able to drift into dreamland. but for now, i guess i'll just... i don't know.

5:01 pm. i found it. my happy song. it has made me smile. it's by marvin gaye: how sweet it is.

9:53 pm. I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought this would be really cool, you know, having no one to talk to, having the time to dwell on my feelings. But I realized that we need human compainionship to exist normally in society. To be.. normal. At least, what people believe to be normal.

Thursday October 5th:

10:36 am.

I am awake. I really don't want to be. Cocoon is on AMC. Hey, it's pretty interesting.

Patrick left to go get a snack. I wonder how long it'll take him. I guess I'll go watch some videos on youtube.

7:40 pm.

AHH. I want to get out of here. I really miss Drama class and English class. Richard and Mariam are so funny. I love laughing and having good times with them in class, doing funny impressions.

I also want to see Patrick!!!!!

...homework isn't cool.

...tests aren't cool.

...school isn't cool.

...most of all,

Genetics aren't cool.

Friday October 6th:

9:22 am.
i'm getting outta here. yeah.

12:06 pm.

still here. watching some u2 vids on youtube.

i feel alone today. i was feeling good before, and now i just realized that i'm still in isolation.

I don't know, i just can't fight that feeling, you know. ah a doctor lady just came in and didn't close the door all the way. i guess i'm just going to have to wait until they let me go then i'll get to feel better. but i know i still need a shower. i guess that's really it.

1:22 pm.

an hour left, i think. i'm not sure though. i'm looking through u2 covers, and people who perform the songs on youtube. i'm thinking i should try it, it'd be kinda cool.

2:41 pm. (rejoice for He is good)

Today I don't need a replacement
I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
Hey I said You can keep my things,
They've come to take me home.

I'm going home. Finally. :)


Well there you go. I am home. And even though I'm scowling at the fact I have to finish a buttload of hw, feel lethargic and fat from gaining 7 pounds, feel tired because I haven't recieved the right thyroid hormone yet, do not understand anything my Physics teacher tries to teach but then reaches my ears in morse code, have a 64% in my math analysis class, do not understand what my spanish 4 teacher says.... I'm......



I think I know why.


27 September 2006 @ 09:24 am
I guess I should do well in school right? I should get great grades through studying insanely hard, right? Yeah. I guess so.

I'm pretty tired. We have a sub today, and are allowed to use the comptuer. That's why I'm updating.

I wish it was winter vacation. Or at least Thanksgiving vacation.

I guess I have to find a way to make school eaiser and more fun. How would i do that? I could have more fun by going out more. I think that would work. If I spent a few days at Irmas house a week, or at least had a car to drive around in. But hey, I walk home, and sometimes stop by El Pollo Loco.

Second semester is coming, and that's when I'll be able to get a car. Hopefully.

Second semester is coming, and college will be looming.

College. Ah.

I don't think things will change too much.

Hm. What else? School, life, family. The basics, I guess. They are important.

And yeah.

Patrick is a really cool guy. I like him. :)
23 August 2006 @ 06:10 pm

Well, how can I descibe todays events in a form that would be understandable to the common person? I guess all I can say is that life can be weird sometimes. Weird in good ways, weird in bad. And we must deal with these things in one way or another. Our actions define our emotions which lead to one thing. That thing? It's life. My dad told me today after I was bitching about how my mom's going to kill me after finding how many text messages I've gone over... he said this, "Just enjoy life." He turned up the music as we drove past the canyon, the sun was shining brightly, and I thought to myself Yeah. He's so right. Just enjoy life.

I plan to. And I am.

Even though. Yeah, even though this life is unfair. But yeah, grab life by the perverbial "balls" that's what I think.

I'm just too young though. Yeah, that's what my mom says. It's so funny, she gave me a bath (get your mind out of the gutter) I couldn't do it myself because of the surgery, yeah. She treated me like I was still 9. Like I didn't even know how to take a shower. When I talk to her, she doesn't want me to answer back. Well you know, talking back to her, sort of giving her an 'attitude.' But I'm not. I never mean to. I'm just growing older. Right?

I don't want to have her think that I'm rebelling against her, because I still want her to think of me as her special daughter. Aye, so if I want to become more independent, does that mean I have to jeporadize the realtionship that I have with my mom?

I need a car. My mom wants to get me one. But my dad doesn't cause he doesn't want to spend the money. I agree with him. But I do need a car. And I need a job too. But my mom doesn't want me to work during the school year. So how am I going to work and earn money? Hm. It's a whole bunch of confusion I say.

I plan on making this Senoir year alot better than the recent high school years. It's going to be memorable.

Life. It's confusing.

Why do I find this really cool person that lives 1,897.25 miles away? I mean we're 27 hours, 40 minutes away. (I checked it out with mapquest) Life is nice enough to let me meet him and get to know him. But is it nice enough to let me be alittle closer to him so we could hang out? No. But hey, who am I to judge Life?

Haha. *waves* Hi Patrick.
Current Location: on earth.
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: contemplativecontemplative
22 August 2006 @ 01:09 pm

22 July 2006 @ 09:44 pm
Why do I feel so depressed today? I just went to a womens coneference at my church. I rejoiced in the Lord, I praised Him with song. And now, I feel like poop.

Really sad too.
Current Location: in a pit of sadness.
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: melancholymelancholy
Emotion is everything.: heart -- these dreams
11 July 2006 @ 08:04 pm
This summer, nothing amazazazingly cool will happen, and I'm okay with it. Oh, just watched POTC2 it was freaking awesome. Can't wait until the next one. :D
Current Location: ugfjhgf
07 July 2006 @ 10:10 pm

Oh yeah, and life. Yeah, it sucks. Big freaking time. Love... love?! LOVE?! I'm really hating it right now... also loving at the same time... Yeah. Don't you feel like that sometime? That you need that special someone to complete you? To be with you forever and ever?


Alright. I'm feeling alittle bit better after that.

Just... in this life... I want something to HAPPEN. SOMETHING BIG, FREAKING GIGANTIC that would blow my mind.

But I'm over that now.

Or am I?

AHHHHHHH. Why do we humans have to be riddled with confusion all the time?
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: sadsad
Emotion is everything.: iris, goo goo dolls
29 June 2006 @ 01:41 pm

I am 90% loser. What about you? Click here to find out!
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: crushedcrushed
Emotion is everything.: u2
28 June 2006 @ 10:55 pm
Why'd you look here?


Won't anything extremely exciting happen to me? Yes, I can hope for something really cool to happen... but NO! God won't let me have fun.

I'm so sorry.

I just wish I could be spontaneous and fun, that's all. I wish for something mind-blowing, aweomsetabulous, so uberly-cool that could make me feel like i'm on top of the world.

That's never happened before.

Just once!! I want something really cool to happen.


I know nothing will though. That just makes it even worse.
21 June 2006 @ 09:40 pm
Independence day

Fireworks in the sky
She thought of her love
On the fourth of july
She saught strength from above

A love so strong, burning
Yet so far away
Both yearning
For each other, everyday

The bombing never ceased

ahh.. i need to continue this.

My dad got his first day of chemo today.
Current Location: i'm sad.
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: melancholymelancholy
Emotion is everything.: a song.

That pretty much sums it all up.
Current Location: NO SHCOOL
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: cheerfulcheerful
Emotion is everything.: Love and peace, or else.
09 June 2006 @ 07:08 pm
You know, the song, Passion/Sanctuary? That's on the Kingdom hearts 2 commericial, I <333 it.

Lying here
Waiting for your call
I have nothing to fear
Because it's you, you keep me safe.

I see the mountains
They tremble at the heavens
Your kisses, they're a fountain
To drench my heart in love

Come away with me now
Let's leave this all

to be continued.
05 June 2006 @ 11:13 pm
I didn't study for my Chemisty test, at all. And I don't understand ANY of it. This really sucks. Big time.

It's because I have a both an essay and project due tomorrow, one of my parters... we (another parter) couldn't get a hold of her. So that's not good.

I wish school would end now please.
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: sadsad
Emotion is everything.: We didn't start the fire - Billy Joel
04 June 2006 @ 07:33 pm
Yes, well, he called me back. All is good in the world. :D

But is it the right email address that I sent the part of the project to?? Will he get my part?

I'm still really really paranoid.

Hmm... I want to listen to that song.

Rawk on Ozzy.
Current Location: Pergatory.
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: listlesslistless
Emotion is everything.: Black Sabbath - Paranoid
04 June 2006 @ 12:06 am
Just watched The Island tonight. It is pretty fcukin' awesome.

Okay. I really hate school right now. I have this project due, I gave my number, and email to my other partner. He called me when I wasn't home, he didn't leave his number. So how can I flippin' contact him???? He said that he couldn't do his part of the project??? He wants me to do that, nooo that's crap. He hasn't even left me an email. And he didn't give me his email too. Well that just sucks for me big time right?

Wow. Yes. It does.

I pray to God everything comes out alright.

I had a good day though, I spent it with my parents. You never know how much time you really have with them, you know?

I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: aggravatedaggravated
02 June 2006 @ 11:40 pm
It was good, my dad was really happy. My mom and I got him really good cards, and loved them. We ate at Johnny Rockets, and my mom searched for shoes while my dad was at Barnes and Noble looking for books. I was just there wearing my signature "Vote For Pedro" shirt.

I need to convince my mom that we need to get my dad an mp3 player, he's been wanting to get one for a long time.

well, it's kinda late.
gotta sleep.
Current Location: nowhere.
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: exhaustedexhausted
24 May 2006 @ 11:00 pm
Why do I have to put off homework like this?

30 points. And I haven't done it yet. It's 11 pm. And I also have a Chemistry test tomorrow.


Whatever. I don't really care. I just want school to end.

I want to run
Break free from this prison
Everyday I wake up at dawn
To rot in my classrooms.
I go home. There's homework to be done
But who cares?
I don't do it, I fiddle around on the computer.
I sleep... and wake up at dawn again

The cycle begins again..
Current Location: .
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: stressedstressed
Emotion is everything.: .
23 May 2006 @ 09:37 pm
LIFE. What of it? *shakes head* Nothing seems right, right-side up, or any thing of the combination.

Monotony. The bread and butter of my school life. But what do I have!? Music, damnit. (sorry 'bout the cursing)

Well, after not finishing my homework again, I am on MySpace.. (Damn you to hell Myspace, for getting me addicted!!) Ah well. I just like it, it's a form of expression that I so desperatly need when everything is locked up inside.

I've got Mercy stuck in my head.

Well, what else can I say? I can't wait until summer when the school troubles diminish, so I would finally be able to be at peace with myself rather than procrastinate... do horribly then feel guitly about it (with schoolwork) I just can't break the habit.

Okay, today, I tried to cut my cuticles. You know with that cuticle nipper, thingy-mo-bobber? Yeah, that? It worked well for about three fingers... then on the fourth, I ripped off some skin... and it started to bleed profusely. I now, gross. I just hope it won't get infected.

OH. And I skipped Zero period today. I know, I shouldn't have. But my friends told me I wouldn't get caught, and I haven't... so far. *eyes dart* I really hope that I won't get kicked out of Zero, or my mom would have my head on a platter.

Well, what else new? Ah! I have a new digital camera, it's so freaking fun. I love taking pictures of the clouds and sun, the mountains, etc. I think of Where The Streets Have No Name when taking pictures of scenery.


I guess that's it. Another day at school tomorrow.

Another time to think about how ______ life is. [fill in blank]


I was drinking some wine
And it turned to blood
What's the use of religion
If you're any good?
I know I'm weedkiller honey
And you're sugar
If you're the prosecution
I'd get away with murder

If you were ice
I'm water
And with your telescope
I can see further
We're binary code
A one and a zero
You wanted violins
And you got Nero

You're gravity
Searching for the ground
You're silence
Searching for a sound
Your heart is aching
Your heart is my home
It's fascinating
I know I'll never be alone

When I'm ripping the stitches
You got two hands to rub
I'm digging the ditches
Of someone else's love

Love hears when I lie
Love puts the blue back in my eye
Love will come again
I'll be gone again

If you're hunger
Baby let me feed it
If your heart is full
Baby let me bleed it
And happiness is for
Those who don't really need it
You love me
Too much
You always loved me
Too much

When I was ripping the stitches
You got two fists to rub
I'm digging the ditches
Of someone else's luck

Love hears when I lie
Love puts the blue back in my eye
Love is come again
I am gone again

Love's got to be with the weak
Only then love gets a chance to speak
Love will come again
I'll be gone again

I, I can't escape myself
I heel, you toe
Fear nothing
I fear nothing

I can hear summer
Fear nothing
I can hear summer
Fear nothing
Oooooooh oooh

Love is come again
I am gone again
Love is the end of history
The end of me
Of misery
Love is come again
I am gone again

Love is justice
A charity
Love brings with it a clarity
Love is come again
I'm alive again

I am alive
Baby I'm born again
And again and again
And again and again
And again, again
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: blahblah
Emotion is everything.: Mercy - U2
18 May 2006 @ 07:45 pm
Don't you just love listening and singing to U2? I do.

Well then, all I have to do for homework is math. That's easy.

And I'm editing my myspace profile right now.

But I'm tired from staying up 'till midnight yesterday because I stupidly waited until the last minute to finish my term paper.

What's done is done.

And I created some new LJ icons! yay!

Current Location: Running from life.
I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: blahblah
Emotion is everything.: Electric Co - u2
15 May 2006 @ 06:40 pm
Don't you wish that... sometimes... there was no such thing as school? Yes, then most of the population would be babbling idiots, but the minority wouldn't feel as stressed. As I am now. Well. I guess I should leave my term paper to the last minute, just like I always do for every essay I've done.

Oh well.

I have a guitar lesson at 7:30, and I just realized that I haven't even practiced yet. I'll get right on that.

I hope and pray my dad will be better, that he will reach the finishline, that he will be done with all the procedures. But that will be when? Until next December. It's alright though, I know Jesus Christ is on our side, He is in control.

I also pray for my mom, and the relationship we have with each other. I pray that we would recognize each others feelings, and grow in our roles as mother and daughter. I don't want to have the same relationship that my mother has with her father.

Summer! Thank God you are here! How have you been? One month and counting... school will be over. YES!

I guess I'll go practice now.

I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: okayokay
Emotion is everything.: These Dreams - Heart (remix)
04 May 2006 @ 10:17 pm
Well. I really need to get a start on my hoework right now. Why can't I just do it and get it over with already? I just don't know. I'm very complicated.

Okay, now I'm starting to get sleepy... but I can't because I have about 2 hours worth of HW left. Ugh.

Well then.
Current Location: In Procrasinationland.
Emotion is everything.: We Are One Tonight - Switchfoot
03 May 2006 @ 10:44 pm
I have a research paper due, as I said some time before, and tomorrow is the due date for our "research" = 100 + facts on your subject. There was one last source I needed to find, and yes!! I found one! I don't care if the teacher doesn't like it, but I found one! *dances*

Well then.... Oh I'm tired. Do I have to take a shower? Nope, don't answer that. MUST CONTINUE!!!!!

I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.: tiredtired
Emotion is everything.: None, but there is some in my head...